Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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