Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
