Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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