I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
...so i touched it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
