why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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