Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
