I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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