yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
