no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize