conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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