I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
