What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize