i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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