I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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