i don't like sucking hair
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Pants are for mortals
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
