Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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