wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
