fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
