I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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