Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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