If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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