if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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