Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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