I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
