If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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