you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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