You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
