Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
