I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
