I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
