just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
