remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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