please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
