All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
