Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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