There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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