I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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