you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
