The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize