saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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