Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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