I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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