I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
