call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
