Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
