you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
