Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize