Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
