Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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