we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
