Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
