im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
