Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
