My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize