so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
