She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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