I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
