I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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