i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
