You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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