i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
