you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
