We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
