I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
