Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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