I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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