I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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